Episode 2

Why hello there!

It’s been a hot minute since my first episode, and I’m sorry about that. Some family health problems came up, and needed addressing. Things are still a little rough, but I’ve managed to find enough time to write and produce this episode, so let’s get started!

First questions first, where am I in the process?

Not much further along than I was the last time. I was referred to a local doctor, and it took a little bit of time to get back to them. I will go in later this month to talk about HRT. I’ll provide another update when I reach that.

Now where am I mentally? That’s another hot topic. Things have not been easy for me the last few months. Helping with family health has not been easy on me. I love them to death, but let’s just say stubbornness runs in the family.

I’d also be lying if living with family has been tough on my mental health. I very much enjoy having my own space at times. While I do have my own getaway area, it’s not the same as being able to completely relax in your own space. It’s going to be a little while until I can have my own again though. For now I just take it one day at a time, one step at a time. Left foot in front of the right will keep moving forward.

I’ve also been struggling with self-image, though that’s nothing new for me. I bought some femmeine clothes back in the winter. Sadly those don’t work for me right now since we just went through a record heat wave. So some new clothes are in order, but I struggle with that. I don’t feel right about anything right now. I’m infamous for having a lot of body hair, and I don’t like it. I can shave yes, but maintaining that much isn’t easy. My hair is also really dark, so even if it feels smooth you can still see it. My legs are one thing, but I hate my chest hair. It kinda ruins lower cut dresses for me. I’m hoping HRT will lessen the body hair to make it easier to maintain. I might look more into waxing or laser treatments in time, but that’s not an option for me right this second.

The physical image is only one aspect of it though. I feel like an imposter. I feel like I don’t really belong anywhere right now. Because I’ve been delaying a transition, I feel like a fraud. That I’m not really trans because of it. There’s part of me that just wants to crawl into the dark hole I’ve been in. It’s familiar after all, but that room will only get darker the longer I stay in it.

I’ve been reminding myself that I’m doing this for me, that all of this is to try and find the feeling of content. There will always be happy days and sad days, but I just want to be content. Content with who and where I am. I’ve never really had that long term. When I do manage to get there, it doesn’t last very long. I always tell myself that it’s just around the corner, but I’m growing more tired by the day it feels. I always feel exhausted, and I’m tired of being tired. The only thing I can focus on is the right foot in front of the left. I just hope I’ve pointed myself in the right direction to find something at the end of the day.

So this is a short update on me, and where I am in the process. Nothing exciting has happened yet, so I haven’t been pushed to update this just yet. I will try and journal like this more as time goes on. But for now make sure you have a wonderful day.

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