Episode 4

Well hello there! Welcome back!

So I’m a little late for Transgender Awareness Week, but hey, I still got something out. This will probably be a quick update since I live a very boring life overall, but I still want to keep making this podcast.

Here’s an update on where I am. I’m still adjusting my HRT. It’s not dissimilar to trying out depression or anxiety meds. You get a dose, wait a while, then check in to see how you feel, and how effective it is. I see my doctor every 3 months. I know I’m lucky to have a doctor that cares and monitors like this. A lot of places have different structures for HRT, making it extremely difficult to access. This isn’t just smaller countries. Places like the US will typically refer you to an Endocrinologist which can be expensive, making care a little less frequent for many. In England, they operate special “gender clinics” to serve the trans population. While this might sound like a good idea, the practice is actually kinda terrible. Cuts to healthcare have left waiting lists absurdly long to see someone in the clinic. Meaning many trans people die waiting for healthcare because they can’t afford to go a private route. That was less of an update and more of a state of trans healthcare in the world, but that’s okay. If that bothers you, look up how it works locally for you. If you’re up to being an ally contact your local representative and let them know you’re worried about the trans population. The vast majority of us just want to exist without any troubles. Just like you do.

Moving back to me, I think I’ve finally found my fashion style. It’s definitely a 90s librarian. I’m a geek and all. I saw a meme the other day, going over the realization that coming out and trying out different styles shows that it’s not that I didn’t care about fashion at all, I just didn’t like the options I had as a boy. Once you start caring about fashion, you start caring about how you look and how others look at you, and that’s what people mean when they care about how they look. I did the classic t-shirt and hoodie because it’s what I felt most comfortable in. Because everyone looks the same in baggy clothes. Now that I’m exploring fashion, I suddenly realized that this is why people cared. They actually enjoy their own bodies, which is something I’ve never done. It’s a really liberating feeling.

I had a friend call me Velma from scooby doo and that hit a little closer to home than I expected. I caught myself thinking about all the cartoon characters I looked up to as a kid. I noticed that a lot of them were girls. You know the saying one is a one-off, two is a coincidence, three is a pattern? That’s how I feel about this. Individually I don’t think I liked them solely because they were girls, but other things like intelligence and other things depending on the character. But at some point, there’s an underlying theme to this, and I can’t help but wonder.

I find myself reflecting on things like this all the time. I feel like I’m slowly going over my memories and realizing the moments that were actually hints, but I had no way to understand, never mind process these feelings, so they just get put to the side. I both enjoy and hate this. There’s part of me that wants to shake young me and be like, you’re an egg. But that would have drastically changed my life the way it is now, and I don’t want to do that. I love the people I have in my life and want to keep them close. So while I long for the lost time, I’m happy that I’m still young, and have my entire life to define who I am.

Which begs the question that a lot of people want to ask me. Who am I? The answer is simple me. I don’t worry about labels anymore. Rewatching the video that inspired me to start this podcast, PhilosphyTube’s Identity video, there’s a lot of talk about defining yourself for you. Audry Lord says “If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.” and I feel that it’s where I’m at. I spent a lot of time trying to pick a label for myself, and I decided I don’t want a label. I’m simply trans. I know I don’t like being referred to as a man, but that’s the only qualifier for me. I will still go through with some feminization processes, but that’s really just for me, and me alone. I’m not doing it to be accepted, I’m doing it because I want to see myself in my head reflected in the mirror. Everyone else is just going to have to live with it. I’ll still probably call myself transfem, but to myself, I’m just simply me.

I spent a lot of time wishing I didn’t have to be trans. I still do, but not as much. It comes from a place of missing my cis privilege. I was a white-cishet male, which is pretty much the top of the food chain. Where now being trans I’m knocked a few pegs. There’s wishing I didn’t have to go through this process to feel like me. Wanting to just simply exist as me in the first place. As I process this feeling I’ve found that it’s just worth the energy obsessing over. I’m simply me now, and that’s all that really counts at the end of the day. I’m happy that I’m finally feeling comfortable in my own skin slowly. That I don’t feel disgusted constantly with myself.

Somehow I’ve taken what I thought would be a really short update on me, into over 900 words, so maybe it wasn’t as quick as I thought it’d be. Something I wanted to take a moment and talk about is non-binary identities and neo-pronouns. There’s a lot of people online who make fun of these, and I’ll admit I used to be one of them. I felt they were attention-grabbing people, but I’ve since realized that was me simply trying to cast the gaze away from me onto others. I didn’t want to examine my own pronouns or gender identity and use it to deflect attention away from me. That’s not fair. To anyone I might have done that to, I’m sorry. I think in my next episode I’d like to talk more about labels, but I need more time to sit and think about how I feel about them, and my relationship with them.

I wish everyone love and support, and hope everyone has a fantastical week! See you next time!