Hi there and welcome! This is the self-processing podcast. My process of coming out and self-discovery. So let’s start with who am I?
Well, I’m Casey, well at least for now. That will probably be a discussion on its own at some point. I’m 28 and live in Western Canada. I’m a nerd and geek for certain topics, and I’m a transgender woman. At least I think. It’s that last one I know you’re most interested in if you’re here. I’m just starting this process myself. As I write the script for the episode, I’ve been questioning for about a week after admitting to myself I probably am trans. I have come out to some people close to my heart, but not everyone. I won’t say who or why I chose them specifically right now. I will say that I chose them because I knew they would be friendly to this idea, even if it’s a bit of a shock.
Why am I doing this
I’m starting this podcast to document and share my experiences. As of this writing, Abigail Thorn published her coming out video yesterday. It resonated with me in ways I was not even close to being ready for. I cried both times I watched it. Something I found interesting was there is a lot of writing about trans people, but not a lot by trans people. So if this is me questioning myself and who I really am. I believe I AM a trans woman. Though throuhout this process I may find out I’m actually cis, or maybe non-binary, or somewhere else on the gender spectrum altogether. But let’s find out together. So why document this? I found Abigail’s production inspiring and resonating. I realized I’ve been learning about myself through relating, and not relating, to other people’s experiences. I don’t’ fit the mould of, as Abigail put it, “I knew when I was 5, and I put on my mother’s dress, and I knew then I was meant to be called Kathy.” I’ve never been discontent with being a man. I never knew another way so I accepted it. I’m putting my thoughts out there so maybe someone else can resonate, or not resonate, with my experience and learn about themself. By no means am I an expert in this area, nor am I a therapist of any kind. Please take anything I say in this podcast as my own thoughts and feelings, not advice. If you need help, reach out to your local resources if you can.
Why a podcast?
Why am I doing a podcast? Well, I like the medium. It’s new to me, and I feel excited about it. I don’t actually listen to many podcasts, but I like the idea of expressing my thoughts over it. I like the idea that someone can subtly listen to it. Someone can put in earphones on their way to work. They can reflect on their own thoughts and feelings as they listen to mine. There’s no video to have someone watch over the shoulder and see something that could out them. I also find written medium requires a lot to focus on to absorb, and doesn’t let you think freely while reading. That being said, I will be having a blog site at [URL] where I will have transcripts if you prefer that medium. There’s also the fact I’ve tried doing programming videos, and hated video editing. I’m probably not going to like editing this much better thanks to what I now know is my own dysphoria, but I’m going to be a buttercup and suck it up so I can get this content out.
How did this start?
With all of that out of the way, I want to talk about how this started for me. I’m not going to start with all the childhood memories that looking back might have been hints. Memories can change and have their emotions on how they make you feel change. To be honest I’m still processing a lot of them. I will say that the idea of being a woman has been a thought that has come and gone over the years. They would vary from wishing I was a woman, to fantasizing what it would be like to have the style and body of a woman, to having sex with a woman as a woman. I would mostly leave them at that. I’ve also suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. I’ve never, until last week or so, been able to figure out why. I would be okay sometimes, and very very not okay others. I have attempted suicide before, and have been on the edge and ready to do it many times. About a month before I’m sitting here writing this script, I saw a post on the subreddit r/egg_irl. I wish I saved the post, but sadly I can’t find it again. It was something to the effect of they realized they weren’t cis when they saw another post saying that cis people don’t typically fantasize about being the other sex. That started a chain reaction that escalated things for me. There were three nights in a row where I couldn’t fall asleep because I was thinking if I was a woman or not. Each night I was settling on that I probably was. I finally settled on telling a couple of close friends that I was questioning if I was.
What was I questioning?
So what was I questioning? Well, I was wondering if it was just a sexual fantasy or not, or if I was just looking for a silver bullet for my depression. Silver bullets don’t exist in real life, so this couldn’t be one. I told two of my closest friend that I think I was and wanted to start experimenting with my gender and explore myself. They are super supportive. I love them both so dearly. I started to become more comfortable with the idea that this was just more than a fantasy, and this could really be who I was. I’ll be honest, I’m still unsure. I don’t think I’ll ever be 100% sure. I mean there’s no test you can run, there’s no DNA evidence that you can point to. It’s all your thoughts and feelings which by nature are subjective. But that’s okay. I started to open my world of people who know slowly day by day. Telling a few more friends, and my two sisters.
It’s at this point I saw Abigal’s video, which the link will be in the description. She captured my feelings so thoroughly. It wasn’t that I was trapped in a body that wasn’t mine. It’s still my body after all. Instead, to use her analogy, it’s like a shitty job where you are just unhappy, and it affects every aspect of your life. Quitting this job isn’t easy, but so worth it. That’s what I’m doing. I’m quitting my job of being a quote-unquote “a man”.
So that’s me in an egg, that’s cracking faster and faster. There’s obviously so much more to me as a person, but that’s not what you’re here for. Now, what will this podcast look like? I don’t know! I haven’t decided on a format yet. I may try and bring guests to share their own thoughts and feelings, or therapists to share strategies to help others. If I can find them of course. I’m going to try and target every other week to bring an episode, but at least once a month. I work for a startup so life may get a little hectic from time to time to push through some barriers. My website will offer subscriptions, however, nothing will be exclusive. I want everything I do with this project to be out in the clear and open, so it’s accessible to everyone. However running a podcast isn’t free, there’s equipment, hosting, and software. I’ve already got the basics together, so we’re good on that front. But I’d love to develop the show more. I’ll also be donating 50% of everything that comes through to charity. I’ll change the charity from time to time, but to start it will be the Skipping Stone. My local trans support a charity that I’m just starting to access.
Thanks so much for listening, and I look forward to sharing this journey with you!